There is a strong diabolic side to me; I recognize it, and in my calmer moments salute that entity with all the respect one soldier can give to another.
I want to lead my life wondering about consequences not living them, so my sense of fair play must be brief and I must have faith and act within the confines of what I claim is my God given guilt. However, I’ve notice guilt has begun to slip.
I must chide myself more often in that I miss my dog more than my ex-husband. I grapple with the idea that I look at men now with a sort of mercenary attraction and above all I fight the urge to summon winter in all but one season of the year.
Ah-ha! A left turn in a right-handed world. Who is behind such egotistical words? Who or what could fathom herself able to summon winter?
I deal in death. That’s how I earn my bread and butter. I wallow in the financial implications and shuffle the sheaves of paper, both tactile and electronic, that rustle or static the real life certainty of not existing anymore. I suppose that my diabolical side has grown from my life’s advance in this work and my thick armor of mental self-preservation has grown with the continual observation of someone else’s misery. I work in an emotional freezer.
But why summon winter in say, July? Because often times the armor that thickens around my mental processes will crack. When there is a break down, there is also a will to wallow in whatever brings me momentary happiness; a flirtation that I know I won’t pursue, the question as to why my dog had to die, wine in a box, a German film (earth and water let’s talk mercenary!) or a drive to find some of the best ice cream in town.
(I feel that the pursuit of ice cream is actually me already summoning winter in a subconscious quasi Freudian manner.)
Alas, dear reader, if you’ve made it this far I know that I left you topside with the word “guilt.” Oh that word has become vile in the 21st century. Tax evasion, illegal immigration, anarchy, murder, rape, home invasion, perjury, all can be shrugged off because no one wants to condemn anyone. Who are we that we might judge anyone?
Why separate my diabolical self from analytical, dare I say, faithful-to-God self? Why should I feel guilt over a pornographic film, a brief encounter that boils down to using someone or summoning winter? What line in the sand am I drawing?
To tell the truth, I’m not sure I know any longer. I’m older and more muddled. My strength has waned and really what problems would there be to freezing summer, burying spring and demolishing autumn? Why fight at all the freeze?
I salute you, oh self-motivated and diabolical one, and pray to God the strength to stop.
(Yet I’m grateful Creator for the 30-degree drop.)